Kulog na yumayanig, kidlat na gumuguhit Dumalaw na naman ang tag-ulan sa Septyembreng masungit Doon kita unang nakita, nakikisilong ng pilit Iniiwas ang sariling mabasa sa ilalim ng kubong maliit.
Tahimik ka lang, habang ako’y abalang nagdedesenyo Naging modelong pansamantala, hindi makatingin ng diretso Dumukot ka ng inumin, nakadungaw ang mata sa malayo Hanggang tumila ang ulan, oras na para tayo’y humayo.
Naulit ng ilang beses ang hindi inaasahang mga pagkikita Nagsimula na tayong magpalitan ng salita at nagkakilala Nasabi mo pang “sana araw-araw na lang tayong magkasama” Nakakalungkot man ngunit ang tag-init ay sumapit na.
Paminsan minsan dumadalaw ako sa ating tagpuan Pero hindi na nagtagpo ang landas natin sa kanlungan Sana Septyembre na namang muli nang muli kong masilayan Ang nagsangang pag-ibig na nagtagpo sa panahon ng tag-ulan.
Nagkulang ako sa’yo; sa oras. Ilang mahahalagang okasyon sa buhay mo ang hindi ko naabutan— mahirap mang paniwalaan pero pinilit kong humabol.
Pinilit ng mga maiikli kong biyas at nangangatog na tuhod dahil alam ko, mabigat sayong humakbang pasulong gayong napag-iiwanan ako ng mundo.
Nagkulang ako sa’yo; sa tingin. Sinadya ko ang bawat pag-iwas. Ngunit hindi mo man paniwalaan, nagnanakaw ako.
Sa mga araw na subsob ka sa mga librong kahit kailan ay hindi ka maiintindihan, sa kapeng nangalay na lahat lahat sa iyo sa pag-ihip ay napaso ka pa rin.
Nagkulang ako sa’yo; sa pag-unawa. Ngunit nirerespeto kita. Tinatanggap ko ang kaya mo lang ibigay.
At mahirap man, pinilit kong hindi hilingin na pasobrahan mo.
Nagkulang ako sa’yo, sa pagmamahal. Pero hindi naman ako magiging sapat diba?
May we all never ever feel the need to defend the wrong person ever again. if we see red flags, not just with the way they are but with how they treat us with so many excuses; if they are not ready, they just aren’t.
To stay in the gray continously just so we don’t lose people is setting yourself up for more pain and a longer agony… it’s sad and it’s hard but it’s worthier than dealing with stubborness and always trying to wait for people who are clearly in a different season.
Don’t be afraid of letting go.
that just means they’re not right for you; maybe not yet or maybe they really are the wrong ones but one thing’s for sure.. someone’s gonna come along one day and they’ll come with peace, time, hope, and love. A love that is finally ready to commit.
And if you wait for that, it’ll be more than what you’ve imagined or prayed and hoped for. It hasn’t happened to me yet too but I’ve seen it, my friends and loved ones found it. We’ll find it too one day. But for now, let go. It’s okay.
To be honest, everyone is scared of living without assurance. We have this feeling of “fear of the unknown”. But whether it was the version of a person in our past or the person of the now, wanted or not, death would one day come and knocks on our doors anyway. What matters most is how we choose to live that life.
And if we give it a meaning, we should be living with it on how we wanted and were meant to be.
You’re ashamed of your own darkness and latch unto your jealousy. Since you can’t be happy by yourself, you can only find pleasure in the misfortunes of others.
Always irritated that you’re always a victim, deep inside you is a powerful self-denial. Time never stops right? You feel and foresee that even without you, the world still marches on.
The mask that you always used to wear is your territory. It used to be your shelter from being found insignificant. The best you can do is always building a wall around yourself to gain just a little bit of security.
You’re so desperate in your infantile narcissism, you try to console yourself by placing the blame and looking down on others.
Such an absurd and lowly human. And YES, I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU.
I have never liked the idea of not liking someone just because he caused me pain or betrayed me. Not that pain and betrayal are not reasonable enough to hate someone but because hate is such a powerful word. To hate someone, the feeling he made me feel would be most likely hatred too. He should hate me first before I hate him. Like I’ll give him what he gave me.
You probably are laughing at me right now, reading how senseless these texts are. But does it ever crossed in your mind how easy and hard it might be to hide hate? Or just to have it?
When I was fourteen, my brother, Paul, throw his fist in my face resulting in purple make-up surrounding my left eye. He was twelve at that moment, pretty much impulsive and abusive for a child. I should have fought back. But do you know what I did to him? Nothing. There was hate of course. He surely saw it in my eyes. Those are daggers. My knuckles are so athirst to touch his bony jaw but they kind of hesitated. So I cried. Turn my back, called my mom, treat my swollen eyes and yelled ‘I hate you!’ with all my lungs out. And yes, hate is still hidden. He knows I don’t like what he did, probably think I loathe him but he doesn’t know what I felt. Then, that is how easy to hate someone. The hard part comes next when you can’t hurt them back and have them pay for your destruction. Much harder when they deny your accusation of them hating you which according to you lead to them ruining you.
We can never hate someone we love, they said. But I refuse to recognize that as the universal truth. Hate grows when the one we love hates us without us even knowing. Every time we feel unwanted, unlovable and taken for granted, hatred replaces the love we once felt and hold for so many lifetimes we believed we had.
Sometimes we mistaken hatred for love. Hate has the same intensity as love but both are completely different. There’s no such thing as ‘the more you hate, the more you love’. Like scrutinizing them, pointing out their bad attitude and behaviour mean caring. Honestly, we can never love someone we hate. For maybe it wasn’t hatred at all. Indifferent, perhaps.
You are my beautiful trauma. The one I want and don’t want to live without. You brought both pain and love into my life and I don’t know if I can ever survive not having those. I cannot remember when the nightmares started but I am beyond happy when I get to tell those to my therapist; only having scarecrows and gunshots in my dreams means I can have my resting. I miss pajama parties. But I always wake up on the wrong side of the bed and eventually hate everyone I sleep with realizing it’s not your arms I was caged into. How crazy is it to feel safe and in great danger at the same time? I experienced heaven and hell when you loved me. Your doormat can testify how hesitant I was when I left you. Darling, what I did, it was all for the better. We aren’t in love. We’re just scared to be alone.
With my obsession with writing, I was surprised one day to be very thirsty with pain.
I heard that he had a new lover and instead of crying with remorse and longing for him, I found myself trembling with my fingers ready to get numb again.
“Inspiration,” I said.
Another piece will be formed. This is how it is. This is how you felt when it seemed like no one’s ready to listen. This is how no one can be reprimanded. This is how it is to be ashamed to express sadness, fear and grief. This is how it is when the word remains
and he did not.
It seemed more frightening than being left behind. And it’s scarier to stop it than to love him.
When do you think words and my memory of him set me free?
“Hindi nagmamahal ang hindi nagtitiwala. Walang paglalayag ang nakakadaong sa minimithing isla kung pabalik-balik lang sa laot ng pagdududa, mahal. Alam kong ilang beses akong namangka sa dalawang ilog pero ang tinatahak na natin ngayon ay dagat. Mas malaki, mas malawak at mas marami na tayong karga. Huwag mo naman akong hayaang malunod. Tulungan mo naman akong marating ang pinapangarap nating destinasyon.”
Marami na siguro tayong narating kung hindi ka lang lumiko. Walang nagmamahal na nangangaliwa. Kapitan ng barko, nakalimutan mo na yatang hindi ako marunong lumangoy. Nawaglit na yata sa iyong isipan na ikaw ang nagsalba sa akin sa lamig at malalakas na alon. Ngunit para iligaw lang ako sa pangpang. Ang nais ko lang naman noong una ay makatungtong sa lupa.
facebook.com/UnworthyofyouPH 